Columnist? Me?

Last night I decided to take some time away from masturbation and watching Youtube videos of cats falling over (sometimes the two were even simultaneously) in order to attend a meeting which we were to discuss the future of the University newspaper's Comments and Opinions section.

I still like to think that I hold the distinct honour of having someone write in about them in a rage, calling them a waste of space and threatening them to get their facts right. Hilariously, whilst I published my article under my own name, they decided to use a psuedonym, which is the literary equivalent of shitting on a grave and blaming it on badgers. Although maybe I did go too far in my article and threaten to cut their cats ear off if they were to touch my car again, but the way I see it: Fuck em.

So, at the meeting it was revealed that I was requested to write a regular column for the newspaper, oh joy of joys. I was, however, lambasted for not submitting any pieces for three months. My response to this was pretty simple, in the fact that if I had indeed submitted stuff then the level of depression within the article would have made a dog, arguably natures happiest of creatures want to throw itself under a car legs first so it could feel the pain of death slowly creeping upon it like a slow moving tide.

What made me change my mind then? Well it was due to the fact that I have seen the light and I am now back to my usual self of cynicism and pessimism. What? It's a hobby of seeing everything in this world for the bollocks it causes, its a depressing place filled with people who want to skullfuck your wallet and eat your heart. A friend of mine is the antithesis of this however, and he always sees the silver lining of a catastrophic event. I am capable of this as well, in my own special way of thinking. Rape is terrible, dont get me wrong, and the people who commit such acts should stand in a line and shove their heads up the person in front arse, then be forced to punch their stomachs in essence not only punching themselves but also peoples faces. And yes, even though it is terrible, there is a silver lining. You got laid.